Feelings, Parts and Math

According to a recent webinar I watched by Dr Jim Wilder, narcissism is caused by the inability to regulate the right brain emotion of shame.  Borderline is caused by the inability to regulate the other five.

I started this blog because I thought there was some connection to DID and these other issues.  Whenever I hear about parts or someone dissociating, I "hear" [or sense or see (discern) intuitively] there is a connection to these right brained feelings.  I just have NO idea yet how it technically works.

The point is, dealing with our emotions -the six right brained ones God built us with- is our JOB and our Mama's are supposed to help teach us by the time we're four how to get back to peace within 90 seconds from any of those six.

So, the job of Mom-ing is all consuming as we attune and feel our children's feelings, naming them after we've tuned in.  This is the work of Dr Dan Siegel, whom I share here (I hope I finished those links!) and in my other blog/s.

What happens if our Mama's didn't know how to do this or they believed it was their job to keep us from feeling certain things which God intended for us to live well???  

Many of our Grandmas or Great Grandmas (or both!) left the home where tending babies and toddlers was job #1 and went to work (or worked at home).  Children were raised by people who might have lacked the skills to attune.  This pattern of ignoring what needs careful attention becomes an emotional handicap and gets passed down until someone gets help.

One part of the journey as a person who relies on, obeys, trust in and clings to Jesus, is I have the honor of having God indwell me.  I have learned when I cannot find a person to attune to me that He always will.  I could share so many stories of those processes!

Another aspect affecting many of us this:  according to Dr Wilder, trauma is simply the feeling we are alone when a bad thing happens.

From what I understand trauma can cause dissociation in creative children.

So...I while I'm not a whiz at math, it looks to me like there are connections to be paid attention to.

My hope is that this blog, while possibly not all based on proper "math" will be a starting point for discussion, research and being open to learning how to love ourselves.  If we don't love ourselves we cannot love our neighbor!!!  Loving ourselves and tending to what we truly need (not only what we perceive we need, which based on multiple factors can fall far short of God's intention for us) is a way of stewarding ourselves well and as we go through those processes we grow companion for others who might be dealing with some pretty challenging stuff.

Knowing we're NOT alone is often the best thing we can hope to understand...and I'm considering starting and hosting a Facebook group for people who are dealing with these particular issues, either with a therapist or on their own.

Childhood Trauma: What's New

As we deal with the issues of facing trauma in our adulthood which began in childhood, there are so many aspects to consider.  

I'm sure I will have more to share as I find other things.  Take a listen, watch and read what's below.  It's fascinating to see how these themes work together...

HOW CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AFFECTS A CHILD THROUGH A LIFETIME

by 

Nadine Burke Harris

(click the image below to play the video now)

Learn more about the Ace tests here.

To find your Ace score, visit this page.

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Movie Revelation

This post is dedicated to my new friend S.R. and may contain affiliate links.  What are those?  You can read about them here.

As I try and put together a cohesive bit of stuff for you all about my theory regarding divided parts and how they relate to the six right brained emotions, I confess the main reason I am going into all of it is because of the connections my gray matter made when I watched this.

If, like my friend, you have NOT seen it, I encourage you to check it out.

As I study integration, attachment and other things, I see glimmers of those truths layered throughout the movie.

Get some popcorn, your slippers and some people you love to be with (or okay......be by yourself) and watch it.

You can check out the trailer HERE just in case you're not sure.  :)

Feeling Disgust for the First Time...

Introducing a new series by Exuberant for Life as Kate shares her experience connecting with parts.

Please enjoy the three free episodes below.

If you have feelings on the inside which you don't have words for, you might be able to relate to this.

How to Be Me-Disgust Part 1
Click the green play arrow below to listen now.

Download this free episode (right click and save)
Episode Length: 5:52



Download this free episode (right click and save)
Episode Length: 7:22

correction:  back to peace/shalom within 90 seconds by the time we’re four …not getting back to JOY.  I misspoke.

This episode begins abruptly.

Download this free episode (right click and save)
Episode Length: 5:45


Does this resonates with you?  Does it help to hear me nattering away on my phone while I drive running errands in order to capture the raw, real moments of feeling my own stuff?

If yes please consider donating now to help me get more podcasts like this published.

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Can you relate to what I share?  I'd love to hear from you. Please comment below!

Understanding Emerges...

As I began dimly to understand what we were experiencing, I tried to put words to what the trouble is.  See if it resonates with you....

{This post contains affiliate links and is dedicated to men who are committed to fathering.  Read my official affiliate disclaimer here.}

An Unfortunate Problem

According to some, this is the 4th U.S. generation we’ve been reared without fathers and the 1^st without mothers.  Obviously, everyone has a mother and father, but those who know how to nurture & build into their offspring, giving them what they need while not burdening them while also drawing out what is within takes SKILL.  This is usually acquired from experiencing it in the early years.   

In another post we’ll cover more historical stuff; for today it’s enough to say there are a whole lot of us who need to mature and develop skill to handle well ourselves and those around us.

There is a lot to learn.  Being forty something with a houseful of beautiful children & a hubby I adore doesn’t mean I have a lot figured out.  I am so grateful for the myriad of men who are helping others learn the basics.

A man once challenged us to search the earth for the person who had answer to our questions.  We start with our heavenly Father and then follow His lead.  I am so glad there are many men filled with godly wisdom willing to pour into those not their own.  We have been on an intense journey these past years.  More about that later....

Feeling What???

How we handle anger, disgust, shame (the normal, healthy kind), fright, disappointment, hopeless despair and other right brained feelings (emotions) depends largely on how those who reared us handled them.  Heard of Inside Out?  It depicts well aspects of our innards and what happens within as we deal with the stuff of life.

After years of research and experimenting, I am beyond happy to report that by the age of 4 our brains are designed by a loving Father to process these emotions within 90 seconds!!   I have been like a mad scientist, chasing the LORD for answers, reading and listening to oodles of things and testing wildly on our two three year old's, our older four children, hubby, myself and a few other wonderful guinea pigs.  I am elated to confirm that in a safe environment we can learn, at any age, to deal well with emotions!!! 

I have a lot more to tell you, so please understand this post doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.... 

One of the issues which happens as an adult begins to handle the emotions perhaps they've pushed away all their lives is a feeling of, "OH NO...this [bad, unfamiliar, debilitating] feeling is going to over take me and I will not survive it."  If I remember right, this happens for everyone at about the 45 second mark.*  Forty five seconds is not long to feel anything, but when you're a toddler or grown and feeling it for the first time, it feels like forever.  Apparently, every single addiction is rooted in lacking the ability to regulate these emotions AND have words to describe them (we get the words from the left side).

In short, someone gentle needs to give us language for our feelings and then POOF!  It feels okay to have them.  With practice, we begin to live well rather than crashing and burning or trying desperately to avoid emotional calamity.

Fortunately, we have a heavenly Father who leads and helps us through the entire process, completely delights to give us the words we need and surrounds us with beautiful, life-giving people who care for us while we grow.

 Flourishing in an Orphan Culture

There are many father's who've worked to help fill in the gaps.  One of my hero's in this area is Mr. Fred Rogers.  His appeal in 1969 to the Senate subcommittee on Communications reveals his gentle father's heart:

His television program has been an incredible blessing to us as we're learning to handle our emotions as he gives words to so much.  In another post I will share specifics of how we use Mister Rogers' Neighborhood in our home to help develop the maturity in all eight of us, from ages 3 to 43.

 Mister Rogers' Neighborhood Volume 1

Even his books are filled with grace and dignity.  As a parent I have so needed his words for my own feelings!  Not just for children, his message "You Are Special," resounds again and again.

Before Fred Rogers's died, he and Dan Seigel were working toward communicating the importance of slow paced, wholesome television for children, though Fred died before they commenced.  In this TED Talk, Dan Siegel gives an explanation for what's going on within us when we're trying to figure out what to do about things we feel.

Many of Dan Siegel's books have given our family words which have completely changed how we deal with our own stuff and which has equipped us to more easily handle helping each other as we all deal.  I cannot recommend enough these books for those of you who are longing to get a clue about integrating and handling life better.  We enjoy the audible versions.

                                             

*There's so much more to tell and I can hardly wait.  Please stay tuned for Emotional Resilience Part 2 and beyond ~coming soon (I hope). 

:)

~Kate

Helping Transition into the Skills of Being a Person

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Okay...so in my quest for real life and truth in the setting of family existence, I was very blessed to hear John Rosemond many years ago on a Focus on the Family radio broadcast.  He and Dr. James Dobson were talking about Rosemond's book, "Family of Value" and I remember going right out to the local Christian bookstore and buying the book that same week.  The receipt is still in the back of the book.

That book has travelled through many moves, heartaches and ups and downs within our family.  Anytime I read even a paragraph in it I am jolted back to the reality of how important logic, limits and sanity are for the family...and how God's intention is for families to live well together.  Rosemond tells like it is and gives principle after principle about what's really needed in the family...and his sobering honesty and humor are part of the reason (literally) I agreed to mother my husband's seven children (I bore him six).

From Rosemond I found another concept which he explains well in his book Making the Two's Terrific.  I was fascinated by his ideas and had not heard them anywhere else. Also I had not known anyone to have his perspective or that type of attitude or success with children...  Since my innards believed he was RIGHT I set out to try and experiment using his methods on my own toddlers...and I was very pleased to find he was right.

Now after nearly 15 years of testing out and working with his ideas as well as seeing the bad affects when those principles are NOT done (the missing generation), I am still recommending his books, etc to anyone who cares to listen.  :)

We can also learn to implement the principles in our own lives to help our adult selves as we mature, as well as our children and others we have the privilege of loving through challenging stages.

John Rosemond's A Family of Value presents a critical view of the child care literature of the past quarter century and argues for an end to overindulgent parenting and a return to the goal of instilling moral values, such as responsibility, respectfulness, and resourcefulness.

In a completely revised and updated edition of his classic parenting guide, nationally recognized expert John Rosemond offers practical, tantrum-free methods for raising toddlers and getting them through the “terrible” times from age eighteen to thirty-six months. 

Focusing on the developmental period spanning age eighteen to thirty-six-months, which renowned parenting expert John Rosemond dubs, “the twos,” Making the “Terrible” Twos Terrific! offers practical parenting advice to ensure that every child’s “twos” are terrific.

By offering comprehensive tips on everything from toilet training to developing good habits for bedtime, as well as disciplinary techniques to control aggressive behaviors, Making the “Terrible” Twos Terrific! approaches parenting in a straightforward, accessible manner that is easy for parents to implement and achieve success with their toddlers.

No bribing, meltdowns, nudging, or cajoling are necessary. All parents need is consistent, firm, and loving interactions with their toddler to guide him or her during the developmental years. The methods described by Rosemond also translate to success throughout other life endeavors such as school, relationship building, and even productivity in the distant tween and teen years. To ensure that earthquaking foot stomps, decibel-shattering screaming, and consistently stubborn behavior are not the norm for your toddler, consult Rosemond’s Making the “Terrible” Twos Terrific!.