Feelings, Parts and Math

According to a recent webinar I watched by Dr Jim Wilder, narcissism is caused by the inability to regulate the right brain emotion of shame.  Borderline is caused by the inability to regulate the other five.

I started this blog because I thought there was some connection to DID and these other issues.  Whenever I hear about parts or someone dissociating, I "hear" [or sense or see (discern) intuitively] there is a connection to these right brained feelings.  I just have NO idea yet how it technically works.

The point is, dealing with our emotions -the six right brained ones God built us with- is our JOB and our Mama's are supposed to help teach us by the time we're four how to get back to peace within 90 seconds from any of those six.

So, the job of Mom-ing is all consuming as we attune and feel our children's feelings, naming them after we've tuned in.  This is the work of Dr Dan Siegel, whom I share here (I hope I finished those links!) and in my other blog/s.

What happens if our Mama's didn't know how to do this or they believed it was their job to keep us from feeling certain things which God intended for us to live well???  

Many of our Grandmas or Great Grandmas (or both!) left the home where tending babies and toddlers was job #1 and went to work (or worked at home).  Children were raised by people who might have lacked the skills to attune.  This pattern of ignoring what needs careful attention becomes an emotional handicap and gets passed down until someone gets help.

One part of the journey as a person who relies on, obeys, trust in and clings to Jesus, is I have the honor of having God indwell me.  I have learned when I cannot find a person to attune to me that He always will.  I could share so many stories of those processes!

Another aspect affecting many of us this:  according to Dr Wilder, trauma is simply the feeling we are alone when a bad thing happens.

From what I understand trauma can cause dissociation in creative children.

So...I while I'm not a whiz at math, it looks to me like there are connections to be paid attention to.

My hope is that this blog, while possibly not all based on proper "math" will be a starting point for discussion, research and being open to learning how to love ourselves.  If we don't love ourselves we cannot love our neighbor!!!  Loving ourselves and tending to what we truly need (not only what we perceive we need, which based on multiple factors can fall far short of God's intention for us) is a way of stewarding ourselves well and as we go through those processes we grow companion for others who might be dealing with some pretty challenging stuff.

Knowing we're NOT alone is often the best thing we can hope to understand...and I'm considering starting and hosting a Facebook group for people who are dealing with these particular issues, either with a therapist or on their own.

Childhood Trauma: What's New

As we deal with the issues of facing trauma in our adulthood which began in childhood, there are so many aspects to consider.  

I'm sure I will have more to share as I find other things.  Take a listen, watch and read what's below.  It's fascinating to see how these themes work together...

HOW CHILDHOOD TRAUMA AFFECTS A CHILD THROUGH A LIFETIME

by 

Nadine Burke Harris

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Confessions of Manipulation

It's SO embarrassing to lack skills which other people seem to know.  How do we get what we want when we learned we had to fend for ourselves?  Take a listen as I share my own thoughts and heart about what might be the root of this yucky problem.

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Episode length: 7:24

If you can relate I would LOVE to hear from you.  Please share what you're thinking/feeling below.  It so helps us all when we're honest and take that step to be bold...even about stuff that's so embarrassing!


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Tough Honesty

*This post contains affiliate links.  Read my official affiliate disclaimer here.  Also, this post is pretty full of things some of you might NOT want to read.  In other words: *Trigger Warning!*  The stuff I share might trigger upsetting feelings, etc.  Please read with caution.

I've been thinking about where to share with you the things I'm experiencing.  I created EFL to share resources I've so appreciated over the past 20+ years since coming into God's family.  However much fun that is, I've found it so hard to actually share my OWN pain.

I decided this morning after a terrible dream to go ahead and be real HERE.  Makes sense since this site is devoted to helping bridge the gap and share how we can reach and help emotional orphans in our culture.

I am one.

So here's the first post!!!  It's a bit long.

I'm learning to feel my own feelings and deal with divided parts.  Are they the same thing?  I'm not sure. I have a hunch they're connected somehow.  With that as my belief I've been working through tough things and dealing with a lot which earlier in my life I could not face.

I read in the book hubby's going through that our parts are trying to get our attention, even in our dreams.  That really struck me and helped me be more open to paying attention.  Here's one way it looks in my real life....

I'm working with a Physical Therapist to get some stuff corrected in my body, and as I work it seems all sorts of things are surfacing.  The reality of having let my body "go" is one.  I heard a man a few weeks ago say that any woman trying to loose more than 30 pounds put the weight on as a shield, and with every 10 pounds lost she will have to face why she put on the shield in the first place.  *ugh*   That's a rough reality for me.  It's embarrassing to carry around all this extra weight...and it's very angry-making that in order to get it off I have to deal with so much inner stuff that's the reasons it's there in the first place!  *sigh*

Indeed, the feeling of abandonment (which still seems to be so real) rears again. To be honest, also the reality of what the author calls fantasy roles with our parents.  Um....ugh okay that came to light over the Thanksgiving weekend.

When you're reared by emotionally immature parents who aren't glad to be with you but use you like a commodity for their pleasure and purposes, how yucky is that?  The emotional neglect is one thing and it takes all sorts of work as an adult to learn HOW to care for our emotional selves, since neglecting our own emotions is the norm.

Then there's the abuse.  In my case it was emotional.  What's that like?  Well, imagine a parent going to their child for sex to meet their needs.  NOT RIGHT.  So is emotional molestation.  Sure, parents have emotional needs, but where are they supposed to find comfort and support?  So many mothers look to their children to fill the emotional void in their lives.  I have seen it in families with married couples as well as in families being led by single mothers.  It's WRONG to go to our children to meet our needs.

I'm happy to say the fantasy bonds are falling away (came to that horrid reality this weekend), the enmeshing is crumbling and I am seeing it for what it is.  I was reared by an adult infant.  SCARY.  Maybe that's why I keep having dreams about being all alone...because as far as adult protection for a child's emotions and nurture, etc...I didn't have any.  Sometimes I bawl from the sorrow of it.  Sometimes I am so mad I scare myself.  Sometimes I feel completely hopeless knowing and finally seeing that I NEVER was paid attention to (by her) emotionally and how very much that hurt/s.

They say attachment pain is the worst kind.  Oh, how I know it and so far I don't see it as part of God's covering in Romans 5 (the suffering treatise).  I am grateful for years of getting my innards ready to deal with all this.  It's still really hard.  I think today will be a four cup day for coffee.  Bring on the collagen and grass fed cream!  Happy Monday everyone.  💖 ~Kate M.