As I began dimly to understand what we were experiencing, I tried to put words to what the trouble is. See if it resonates with you....
According to some, this is the 4th U.S. generation we’ve been reared without fathers and the 1st without mothers. Obviously, everyone has a mother and father, but those who know how to nurture & build into their offspring, giving them what they need while not burdening them while also drawing out what is within takes SKILL. This is usually acquired from experiencing it in the early years.
In another post we’ll cover more historical stuff; for today it’s enough to say there are a whole lot of us who need to mature and develop skill to handle well ourselves and those around us.
There is a lot to learn. Being forty something with a houseful of beautiful children & a hubby I adore doesn’t mean I have a lot figured out. I am so grateful for the myriad of men who are helping others learn the basics.
A man once challenged us to search the earth for the person who had answer to our questions. We start with our heavenly Father and then follow His lead. I am so glad there are many men filled with godly wisdom willing to pour into those not their own. We have been on an intense journey these past years. More about that later....
How we handle anger, disgust, shame (the normal, healthy kind), fright, disappointment, hopeless despair and other right brained feelings (emotions) depends largely on how those who reared us handled them. Heard of Inside Out? It depicts well aspects of our innards and what happens within as we deal with the stuff of life.
After years of research and experimenting, I am beyond happy to report that by the age of 4 our brains are designed by a loving Father to process these emotions within 90 seconds!! I have been like a mad scientist, chasing the LORD for answers, reading and listening to oodles of things and testing wildly on our two three year old's, our older four children, hubby, myself and a few other wonderful guinea pigs. I am elated to confirm that in a safe environment we can learn, at any age, to deal well with emotions!!!
There are many father's who've worked to help fill in the gaps. One of my hero's in this area is Mr. Fred Rogers. His appeal in 1969 to the Senate subcommittee on Communications reveals his gentle father's heart:
His television program has been an incredible blessing to us as we're learning to handle our emotions as he gives words to so much. In another post I will share specifics of how we use Mister Rogers' Neighborhood in our home to help develop the maturity in all eight of us, from ages 3 to 43.
Even his books are filled with grace and dignity. As a parent I have so needed his words for my own feelings! Not just for children, his message "You Are Special," resounds again and again.
Before Fred Rogers's died, he and Dan Seigel were working toward communicating the importance of slow paced, wholesome television for children, though Fred died before they commenced. In this TED Talk, Dan Siegel gives an explanation for what's going on within us when we're trying to figure out what to do about things we feel.
Many of Dan Siegel's books have given our family words which have completely changed how we deal with our own stuff and which has equipped us to more easily handle helping each other as we all deal. I cannot recommend enough these books for those of you who are longing to get a clue about integrating and handling life better. We enjoy the audible versions.
{This post contains affiliate links and is dedicated to men who are committed to fathering. Read my official affiliate disclaimer here.}
An Unfortunate Problem
In another post we’ll cover more historical stuff; for today it’s enough to say there are a whole lot of us who need to mature and develop skill to handle well ourselves and those around us.
There is a lot to learn. Being forty something with a houseful of beautiful children & a hubby I adore doesn’t mean I have a lot figured out. I am so grateful for the myriad of men who are helping others learn the basics.
A man once challenged us to search the earth for the person who had answer to our questions. We start with our heavenly Father and then follow His lead. I am so glad there are many men filled with godly wisdom willing to pour into those not their own. We have been on an intense journey these past years. More about that later....
Feeling What???
How we handle anger, disgust, shame (the normal, healthy kind), fright, disappointment, hopeless despair and other right brained feelings (emotions) depends largely on how those who reared us handled them. Heard of Inside Out? It depicts well aspects of our innards and what happens within as we deal with the stuff of life.
After years of research and experimenting, I am beyond happy to report that by the age of 4 our brains are designed by a loving Father to process these emotions within 90 seconds!! I have been like a mad scientist, chasing the LORD for answers, reading and listening to oodles of things and testing wildly on our two three year old's, our older four children, hubby, myself and a few other wonderful guinea pigs. I am elated to confirm that in a safe environment we can learn, at any age, to deal well with emotions!!!
I have a lot more to tell you, so please understand this post doesn't even begin to scratch the surface....
One of the issues which happens as an adult begins to handle the emotions perhaps they've pushed away all their lives is a feeling of, "OH NO...this [bad, unfamiliar, debilitating] feeling is going to over take me and I will not survive it." If I remember right, this happens for everyone at about the 45 second mark.* Forty five seconds is not long to feel anything, but when you're a toddler or grown and feeling it for the first time, it feels like forever. Apparently, every single addiction is rooted in lacking the ability to regulate these emotions AND have words to describe them (we get the words from the left side).
In short, someone gentle needs to give us language for our feelings and then POOF! It feels okay to have them. With practice, we begin to live well rather than crashing and burning or trying desperately to avoid emotional calamity.
One of the issues which happens as an adult begins to handle the emotions perhaps they've pushed away all their lives is a feeling of, "OH NO...this [bad, unfamiliar, debilitating] feeling is going to over take me and I will not survive it." If I remember right, this happens for everyone at about the 45 second mark.* Forty five seconds is not long to feel anything, but when you're a toddler or grown and feeling it for the first time, it feels like forever. Apparently, every single addiction is rooted in lacking the ability to regulate these emotions AND have words to describe them (we get the words from the left side).
In short, someone gentle needs to give us language for our feelings and then POOF! It feels okay to have them. With practice, we begin to live well rather than crashing and burning or trying desperately to avoid emotional calamity.
Fortunately, we have a heavenly Father who leads and helps us through the entire process, completely delights to give us the words we need and surrounds us with beautiful, life-giving people who care for us while we grow.
Flourishing in an Orphan Culture
His television program has been an incredible blessing to us as we're learning to handle our emotions as he gives words to so much. In another post I will share specifics of how we use Mister Rogers' Neighborhood in our home to help develop the maturity in all eight of us, from ages 3 to 43.
Before Fred Rogers's died, he and Dan Seigel were working toward communicating the importance of slow paced, wholesome television for children, though Fred died before they commenced. In this TED Talk, Dan Siegel gives an explanation for what's going on within us when we're trying to figure out what to do about things we feel.
Many of Dan Siegel's books have given our family words which have completely changed how we deal with our own stuff and which has equipped us to more easily handle helping each other as we all deal. I cannot recommend enough these books for those of you who are longing to get a clue about integrating and handling life better. We enjoy the audible versions.
*There's so much more to tell and I can hardly wait. Please stay tuned for Emotional Resilience Part 2 and beyond ~coming soon (I hope).
:)
~Kate
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