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I've been thinking about where to share with you the things I'm experiencing. I created EFL to share resources I've so appreciated over the past 20+ years since coming into God's family. However much fun that is, I've found it so hard to actually share my OWN pain.
I decided this morning after a terrible dream to go ahead and be real HERE. Makes sense since this site is devoted to helping bridge the gap and share how we can reach and help emotional orphans in our culture.
I am one.
So here's the first post!!! It's a bit long.
I'm learning to feel my own feelings and deal with divided parts. Are they the same thing? I'm not sure. I have a hunch they're connected somehow. With that as my belief I've been working through tough things and dealing with a lot which earlier in my life I could not face.
I read in the book hubby's going through that our parts are trying to get our attention, even in our dreams. That really struck me and helped me be more open to paying attention. Here's one way it looks in my real life....
I'm working with a Physical Therapist to get some stuff corrected in my body, and as I work it seems all sorts of things are surfacing. The reality of having let my body "go" is one. I heard a man a few weeks ago say that any woman trying to loose more than 30 pounds put the weight on as a shield, and with every 10 pounds lost she will have to face why she put on the shield in the first place. *ugh* That's a rough reality for me. It's embarrassing to carry around all this extra weight...and it's very angry-making that in order to get it off I have to deal with so much inner stuff that's the reasons it's there in the first place! *sigh*
Indeed, the feeling of abandonment (which still seems to be so real) rears again. To be honest, also the reality of what the author calls fantasy roles with our parents. Um....ugh okay that came to light over the Thanksgiving weekend.
When you're reared by emotionally immature parents who aren't glad to be with you but use you like a commodity for their pleasure and purposes, how yucky is that? The emotional neglect is one thing and it takes all sorts of work as an adult to learn HOW to care for our emotional selves, since neglecting our own emotions is the norm.
Then there's the abuse. In my case it was emotional. What's that like? Well, imagine a parent going to their child for sex to meet their needs. NOT RIGHT. So is emotional molestation. Sure, parents have emotional needs, but where are they supposed to find comfort and support? So many mothers look to their children to fill the emotional void in their lives. I have seen it in families with married couples as well as in families being led by single mothers. It's WRONG to go to our children to meet our needs.
I'm happy to say the fantasy bonds are falling away (came to that horrid reality this weekend), the enmeshing is crumbling and I am seeing it for what it is. I was reared by an adult infant. SCARY. Maybe that's why I keep having dreams about being all alone...because as far as adult protection for a child's emotions and nurture, etc...I didn't have any. Sometimes I bawl from the sorrow of it. Sometimes I am so mad I scare myself. Sometimes I feel completely hopeless knowing and finally seeing that I NEVER was paid attention to (by her) emotionally and how very much that hurt/s.
They say attachment pain is the worst kind. Oh, how I know it and so far I don't see it as part of God's covering in Romans 5 (the suffering treatise). I am grateful for years of getting my innards ready to deal with all this. It's still really hard. I think today will be a four cup day for coffee. Bring on the collagen and grass fed cream! Happy Monday everyone. 💖 ~Kate M.
I've been thinking about where to share with you the things I'm experiencing. I created EFL to share resources I've so appreciated over the past 20+ years since coming into God's family. However much fun that is, I've found it so hard to actually share my OWN pain.
I decided this morning after a terrible dream to go ahead and be real HERE. Makes sense since this site is devoted to helping bridge the gap and share how we can reach and help emotional orphans in our culture.
I am one.
So here's the first post!!! It's a bit long.
I'm learning to feel my own feelings and deal with divided parts. Are they the same thing? I'm not sure. I have a hunch they're connected somehow. With that as my belief I've been working through tough things and dealing with a lot which earlier in my life I could not face.
I read in the book hubby's going through that our parts are trying to get our attention, even in our dreams. That really struck me and helped me be more open to paying attention. Here's one way it looks in my real life....
I'm working with a Physical Therapist to get some stuff corrected in my body, and as I work it seems all sorts of things are surfacing. The reality of having let my body "go" is one. I heard a man a few weeks ago say that any woman trying to loose more than 30 pounds put the weight on as a shield, and with every 10 pounds lost she will have to face why she put on the shield in the first place. *ugh* That's a rough reality for me. It's embarrassing to carry around all this extra weight...and it's very angry-making that in order to get it off I have to deal with so much inner stuff that's the reasons it's there in the first place! *sigh*
Indeed, the feeling of abandonment (which still seems to be so real) rears again. To be honest, also the reality of what the author calls fantasy roles with our parents. Um....ugh okay that came to light over the Thanksgiving weekend.
When you're reared by emotionally immature parents who aren't glad to be with you but use you like a commodity for their pleasure and purposes, how yucky is that? The emotional neglect is one thing and it takes all sorts of work as an adult to learn HOW to care for our emotional selves, since neglecting our own emotions is the norm.
Then there's the abuse. In my case it was emotional. What's that like? Well, imagine a parent going to their child for sex to meet their needs. NOT RIGHT. So is emotional molestation. Sure, parents have emotional needs, but where are they supposed to find comfort and support? So many mothers look to their children to fill the emotional void in their lives. I have seen it in families with married couples as well as in families being led by single mothers. It's WRONG to go to our children to meet our needs.
I'm happy to say the fantasy bonds are falling away (came to that horrid reality this weekend), the enmeshing is crumbling and I am seeing it for what it is. I was reared by an adult infant. SCARY. Maybe that's why I keep having dreams about being all alone...because as far as adult protection for a child's emotions and nurture, etc...I didn't have any. Sometimes I bawl from the sorrow of it. Sometimes I am so mad I scare myself. Sometimes I feel completely hopeless knowing and finally seeing that I NEVER was paid attention to (by her) emotionally and how very much that hurt/s.
They say attachment pain is the worst kind. Oh, how I know it and so far I don't see it as part of God's covering in Romans 5 (the suffering treatise). I am grateful for years of getting my innards ready to deal with all this. It's still really hard. I think today will be a four cup day for coffee. Bring on the collagen and grass fed cream! Happy Monday everyone. 💖 ~Kate M.
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