It's SO embarrassing to lack skills which other people seem to know. How do we get what we want when we learned we had to fend for ourselves? Take a listen as I share my own thoughts and heart about what might be the root of this yucky problem.
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If you can relate I would LOVE to hear from you. Please share what you're thinking/feeling below. It so helps us all when we're honest and take that step to be bold...even about stuff that's so embarrassing!
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*This post contains affiliate links. Read my official affiliate disclaimer here. Also, this post is pretty full of things some of you might NOT want to read. In other words: *Trigger Warning!* The stuff I share might trigger upsetting feelings, etc. Please read with caution.
I've been thinking about where to share with you the things I'm experiencing. I created EFL to share resources I've so appreciated over the past 20+ years since coming into God's family. However much fun that is, I've found it so hard to actually share my OWN pain.
I decided this morning after a terrible dream to go ahead and be real HERE. Makes sense since this site is devoted to helping bridge the gap and share how we can reach and help emotional orphans in our culture.
I am one.
So here's the first post!!! It's a bit long.
I'm learning to feel my own feelings and deal with divided parts. Are they the same thing? I'm not sure. I have a hunch they're connected somehow. With that as my belief I've been working through tough things and dealing with a lot which earlier in my life I could not face.
I read in the book hubby's going through that our parts are trying to get our attention, even in our dreams. That really struck me and helped me be more open to paying attention. Here's one way it looks in my real life....
I'm working with a Physical Therapist to get some stuff corrected in my body, and as I work it seems all sorts of things are surfacing. The reality of having let my body "go" is one. I heard a man a few weeks ago say that any woman trying to loose more than 30 pounds put the weight on as a shield, and with every 10 pounds lost she will have to face why she put on the shield in the first place. *ugh* That's a rough reality for me. It's embarrassing to carry around all this extra weight...and it's very angry-making that in order to get it off I have to deal with so much inner stuff that's the reasons it's there in the first place! *sigh*
Indeed, the feeling of abandonment (which still seems to be so real) rears again. To be honest, also the reality of what the author calls fantasy roles with our parents. Um....ugh okay that came to light over the Thanksgiving weekend.
When you're reared by emotionally immature parents who aren't glad to be with you but use you like a commodity for their pleasure and purposes, how yucky is that? The emotional neglect is one thing and it takes all sorts of work as an adult to learn HOW to care for our emotional selves, since neglecting our own emotions is the norm.
Then there's the abuse. In my case it was emotional. What's that like? Well, imagine a parent going to their child for sex to meet their needs. NOT RIGHT. So is emotional molestation. Sure, parents have emotional needs, but where are they supposed to find comfort and support? So many mothers look to their children to fill the emotional void in their lives. I have seen it in families with married couples as well as in families being led by single mothers. It's WRONG to go to our children to meet our needs.
I'm happy to say the fantasy bonds are falling away (came to that horrid reality this weekend), the enmeshing is crumbling and I am seeing it for what it is. I was reared by an adult infant. SCARY. Maybe that's why I keep having dreams about being all alone...because as far as adult protection for a child's emotions and nurture, etc...I didn't have any. Sometimes I bawl from the sorrow of it. Sometimes I am so mad I scare myself. Sometimes I feel completely hopeless knowing and finally seeing that I NEVER was paid attention to (by her) emotionally and how very much that hurt/s.
They say attachment pain is the worst kind. Oh, how I know it and so far I don't see it as part of God's covering in Romans 5 (the suffering treatise). I am grateful for years of getting my innards ready to deal with all this. It's still really hard. I think today will be a four cup day for coffee. Bring on the collagen and grass fed cream! Happy Monday everyone. 💖 ~Kate M.
As I began dimly to understand what we were experiencing, I tried to put words to what the trouble is. See if it resonates with you....
{This post contains affiliate links and is dedicated to men who are committed to fathering. Read my official affiliate disclaimer here.}
An Unfortunate Problem
According to some, this is the 4th U.S. generation we’ve been reared without fathers and the 1st without mothers. Obviously, everyone has a mother and father, but those who know how to nurture & build into their offspring, giving them what they need while not burdening them while also drawing out what is within takes SKILL. This is usually acquired from experiencing it in the early years.
In another post we’ll cover more historical stuff; for today it’s enough to say there are a whole lot of us who need to mature and develop skill to handle well ourselves and those around us.
There is a lot to learn. Being forty something with a houseful of beautiful children & a hubby I adore doesn’t mean I have a lot figured out.I am so grateful for the myriad of men who are helping others learn the basics.
A man once challenged us to search the earth for the person who had answer to our questions.We start with our heavenly Father and then follow His lead.I am so glad there are many men filled with godly wisdom willing to pour into those not their own. We have been on an intense journey these past years. More about that later....
Feeling What???
How we handle anger, disgust, shame (the normal, healthy kind), fright, disappointment, hopeless despair and other right brained feelings (emotions) depends largely on how those who reared us handled them. Heard of Inside Out? It depicts well aspects of our innards and what happens within as we deal with the stuff of life.
After years of research and experimenting, I am beyond happy to report that by the age of 4 our brains are designed by a loving Father to process these emotions within 90 seconds!! I have been like a mad scientist, chasing the LORD for answers, reading and listening to oodles of things and testing wildly on our two three year old's, our older four children, hubby, myself and a few other wonderful guinea pigs. I am elated to confirm that in a safe environment we can learn, at any age, to deal well with emotions!!!
I have a lot more to tell you, so please understand this post doesn't even begin to scratch the surface....
One of the issues which happens as an adult begins to handle the emotions perhaps they've pushed away all their lives is a feeling of, "OH NO...this [bad, unfamiliar, debilitating] feeling is going to over take me and I will not survive it." If I remember right, this happens for everyone at about the 45 second mark.* Forty five seconds is not long to feel anything, but when you're a toddler or grown and feeling it for the first time, it feels like forever. Apparently, every single addiction is rooted in lacking the ability to regulate these emotions AND have words to describe them (we get the words from the left side).
In short, someone gentle needs to give us language for our feelings and then POOF! It feels okay to have them. With practice, we begin to live well rather than crashing and burning or trying desperately to avoid emotional calamity.
Fortunately, we have a heavenly Father who leads and helps us through the entire process, completely delights to give us the words we need and surrounds us with beautiful, life-giving people who care for us while we grow.
Flourishing in an Orphan Culture
There are many father's who've worked to help fill in the gaps. One of my hero's in this area is Mr. Fred Rogers. His appeal in 1969 to the Senate subcommittee on Communications reveals his gentle father's heart:
His television program has been an incredible blessing to us as we're learning to handle our emotions as he gives words to so much. In another post I will share specifics of how we use Mister Rogers' Neighborhood in our home to help develop the maturity in all eight of us, from ages 3 to 43.
Even his books are filled with grace and dignity. As a parent I have so needed his words for my own feelings! Not just for children, his message "You Are Special," resounds again and again.
Before Fred Rogers's died, he and Dan Seigel were working toward communicating the importance of slow paced, wholesome television for children, though Fred died before they commenced. In this TED Talk, Dan Siegel gives an explanation for what's going on within us when we're trying to figure out what to do about things we feel.
Many of Dan Siegel's books have given our family words which have completely changed how we deal with our own stuff and which has equipped us to more easily handle helping each other as we all deal. I cannot recommend enough these books for those of you who are longing to get a clue about integrating and handling life better. We enjoy the audible versions.
*There's so much more to tell and I can hardly wait. Please stay tuned for Emotional Resilience Part 2 and beyond ~coming soon (I hope).
Okay...so in my quest for real life and truth in the setting of family existence, I was very blessed to hear John Rosemond many years ago on a Focus on the Family radio broadcast. He and Dr. James Dobson were talking about Rosemond's book, "Family of Value" and I remember going right out to the local Christian bookstore and buying the book that same week. The receipt is still in the back of the book.
That book has travelled through many moves, heartaches and ups and downs within our family. Anytime I read even a paragraph in it I am jolted back to the reality of how important logic, limits and sanity are for the family...and how God's intention is for families to live well together. Rosemond tells like it is and gives principle after principle about what's really needed in the family...and his sobering honesty and humor are part of the reason (literally) I agreed to mother my husband's seven children (I bore him six).
From Rosemond I found another concept which he explains well in his book Making the Two's Terrific. I was fascinated by his ideas and had not heard them anywhere else. Also I had not known anyone to have his perspective or that type of attitude or success with children... Since my innards believed he was RIGHT I set out to try and experiment using his methods on my own toddlers...and I was very pleased to find he was right.
Now after nearly 15 years of testing out and working with his ideas as well as seeing the bad affects when those principles are NOT done (the missing generation), I am still recommending his books, etc to anyone who cares to listen. :)
We can also learn to implement the principles in our own lives to help our adult selves as we mature, as well as our children and others we have the privilege of loving through challenging stages.
John Rosemond's A Family of Value presents a critical view of the child care literature of the past quarter century and argues for an end to overindulgent parenting and a return to the goal of instilling moral values, such as responsibility, respectfulness, and resourcefulness.
In a completely revised and updated edition of his classic parenting guide, nationally recognized expert John Rosemond offers practical, tantrum-free methods for raising toddlers and getting them through the “terrible” times from age eighteen to thirty-six months.
Focusing on the developmental period spanning age eighteen to thirty-six-months, which renowned parenting expert John Rosemond dubs, “the twos,” Making the “Terrible” Twos Terrific! offers practical parenting advice to ensure that every child’s “twos” are terrific.
By offering comprehensive tips on everything from toilet training to developing good habits for bedtime, as well as disciplinary techniques to control aggressive behaviors, Making the “Terrible” Twos Terrific!approaches parenting in a straightforward, accessible manner that is easy for parents to implement and achieve success with their toddlers.
No bribing, meltdowns, nudging, or cajoling are necessary. All parents need is consistent, firm, and loving interactions with their toddler to guide him or her during the developmental years. The methods described by Rosemond also translate to success throughout other life endeavors such as school, relationship building, and even productivity in the distant tween and teen years. To ensure that earthquaking foot stomps, decibel-shattering screaming, and consistently stubborn behavior are not the norm for your toddler, consult Rosemond’sMaking the “Terrible” Twos Terrific!.
